Funny Mummy

July 2008

No "I" In Team Sports

We seem to have developed a fascination with children's organized team sports in North America. From soccer to hockey to football, baseball, and anything else where head injuries are imminent. Now we all know what a "soccer Mom" is (think mini-van, bobbed hair, pleated Gap pants), versus the "hockey Mom" (obnoxious woman gripping a Tim Horton's and screaming at her 7 year old to "just hit him" at 6:00 on a Sunday morning in a frigid arena), and I imagine there are stereotypical portraits one could paint for every other sport. But I've been wondering where I fit in...you see I have a confession to make. I don't like watching team sports. I especially don't like watching children's team sports. I particularly don't like watching my own children play team sports. It's painful. It's boring. And it's arena full of conflict, and not just during the game.

Contradiction, thy name is team sports. Without exception, every kids' sports team coach will profess that "The Number 1 Rule is Having Fun, Right Kids?". It's just crap. The Number 1 Rule is that you little brats better win this game and improve your level of play so that the coach and the parents can have bragging rights at the office/on the playground later. Then there are the parents who really think they are the first people ever to say "I don't really care if Johnny plays hockey - it's all down to him, and if he loves it, I'll keep supporting it." Crap, crap crap. This is said minutes before they are leaning over them in the change room saying "I don't care if you don't want to practice - we paid for it and you're going to do it. If you don't practice you'll never make the A Team. You're 7 bud. It's time to smarten up."

I have some children who participate in team sports, and love it. I love that they love team sports. What I don't love is the fact that they are disappointed if I have my head stuck in a book or an electronic messaging device at the exact moment they score a goal or crosses a finish line. So I just don't go. Then, when they beg me to come and see them, I go, they inevitably lose, and I'm pronounced a bad luck charm and I get to retreat once more. It's not that I'm not a competitive person either, I am, but I can't get or feel competitive about having my child beat out someone else's child. I find it really weird and totally disconcerting when children pronounce themselves the best player on the team...in front of all of the other teammates. I've worked in the corporate world and I've seen some real sharks in action, but some of these kids could put them to shame.

By definition, team sports are designed to produce a winning team and a losing team. But the biggest contradiction of all is that all players, on every team, are proud receipients of the "thanks for turning up trophies" they receive at the team dinner. All I know is that when you have to build a trophy shelf for your 6 year old, there's a problem. Hey, maybe instead of being the soccer mom or the hockey mom, I can be the Trophy Mom. Or maybe not.

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