Funny Mummy

January 2008

"I've been playing Lego Pirates for an hour now, and I'm ready to impale myself on tiny, plastic, two inch sword." So started an email I wrote to a friend after being perched on the hard as hardwood floors, playing with my five year old son as he and I struggled through a day of near-flu-like conditions (you know - too sick to go the gym, but not sick enough to pop down to the neighbours for a jewellery sale.)

Kids love the idea of being sick, and missing school, I think in the same way that we sometimes pray for a low-grade fever the day we're supposed to head for our in-laws for a special family dinner. The idea of not leaving the house, snuggling up on the couch, watching television for hours on end, and avoiding what can only include some sort of grading system, seems hugely appealing. Children loathe to be sick on a weekend, of course, as it seems like such a waste when they could have been getting out of Grade 9 Geography. But if you're a stay at home Mom (or work from home, like I do), this is the BEST time to be sick.

During the week, if you're sick, and the kids aren't old enough to go to school, you don't have anyone to call in sick to, so you're usually stuck "managing" them from the couch as you shuffle through all of the same duties you normally have. If they're older, and all of them are in school, it's still hard not to feel guilty about the laundry not being done, the dinner not being prepared, and the house in a bomb-blast state, when the kids and Dad arrive on the doorstep and wonder what the heck you've been doing all day, because you seem fine now.

It's best to spring the runny nose, blurry eyes and pale skin on a Saturday morning... just before the rounds of hockey practice, dance class, grocery shopping, birthday party attending and general chauffeuring of children begins. All you need to do is draw enough strength to write up a list for Dad to follow (here's a hint - if you tell him to drop a kid at a birthday party for two hours, it is VERY important to tell him to also go back and pick up the same kid), tell the kids they have to be Daddy's helper (just like they're Mommy's helpers during the week. Uh huh.), and lay back and listen to the sounds downstairs of:

• "What do you mean it's your turn to bring snack? What does that mean? Can we take a box of cereal? What...and a drink? Grab that bag of milk."
• "Where's the card for this gift. You usually make one? We don't have time - let's just make sure to yell out our name when they open it up. They don't open them in front of everyone?"
• "Sure you can wear your "indoor shoes", whatever that is. You're going to be indoors at the indoor playground after we get through the slushy parking lot, aren't you?"
• "You're hungry? Don't you get your own breakfast? You're four, right?"
• "We have to pick up who? Do I know this kid? Is he the one who bites?"
• "Your mother promised to do pottery painting this afternoon? Hmm...I heard that place burned down last week."
• "What do you kids want for dinner? It's special night with Daddy so you get fast food. I know Mom doesn't allow it, but we won't tell her."

Let them get away with it. You've still got your bed, your book, and hopefully a door you can lock. And you're not the one sitting on the basement floor playing "Sorry" for the 14th time just before packing up and going to Grandma's.

Kathy Buckworth's latest book, cJourney to the Darkside:Supermom Goes Home is available everywhere. Read Funny Mummy every month. Visit www.kathybuckworth.com

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